Sitting, wishing, and waiting
All within the waiting room
I checked my phone a minute ago
And I’ll check it again soon
My mind races
As if trying to liven the idle
Flipping from happy to sad
In a manner almost tidal.
I think about how I yearn to love
I think about how I’m still not ready
I wonder if I can be enough
I wonder if I can hold steady
Pacing, wondering, and waiting
All within the waiting room.
The darkness ate you and it didn’t leave much behind
Just fidgeting fingers
Pale blue eyes
And the wonderful wave of your hair.
I sat and watched you from my unobstructed view
Through my rear window
Through my lens
I saw you forget love and self-care.
For years I believed what Holden Caulfield said
and that this sore on my inner lip
would leave me dead,
but I’ve soldiered on
through numerous bouts of illnesses
that only existed in my nervous head.
I’ve smoked 7 cigarettes in my short life
and maybe that’s where this sore arose from,
two weeks on and still not dead
and the mildest of pains
as if my mouth was splashed by soft rain.
The operator in my brain
slams their fist on the big red button
and I’m sent into a panic
over dead memories
and made-up maladies.
I drench myself in the softest of rain
just to steady myself all over again.
Pale bruises on your arms
A red tint on both of your cheeks
Messy mousy hair
I’ve never seen someone more fair.
I think of you sometimes
I think of how things went
I guess when you’re so young
Things are always bound to crash.
We grew up
I took my time
I’m still getting there
And I can’t help but hate
All of my mistakes
And I want to forgive the boy I used to be
The boy who used to crash
Each and every day
And even though I’ve changed
I’m mostly still the same.
Treat yourself with gentleness
treat yourself with kindness
and when you bleed
examine the wound
clean and staunch it
and take steps towards preventing future cuts.
be like Foster Wallace said
Longford is an oft-forgotten county
And if this country is a pack of Celebrations
then Longford is surely the Bounty,
valued by some and altogether ignored by others.
For the first 19 years or so of my life
I don’t know if I really believed Longford existed
until I made a friend from there
and he insisted
that it was indeed a real place
and I remained skeptical as I made another friend,
as a fella from Longford moved in with me,
and still I doubted.
Christmas 2016, I was at a friend’s party
and came a knock upon the door,
as 15 purported Longfordians
came bustling through,
bottles of Corona in hand
and a few wearing Paddy caps,
with the rhythmic beat of feet on the floor,
and my skepticism waned
but a tinge of doubt remains.
Home of the bronze Fonz
and a river-walk soundtracked by the ducks
Home of the Vikings and
more sports teams that ran out of luck
The beautiful agate state
with a strong claim to Superior
snow-caped in Winter
as local eyes grow blearier
Home to Alexander Nevermind
Someone we can no longer find
in a sea of blue
and blue skies
interrupted by flying pieces of orange leaves
full of syrup and white snow
spying fawn and doe
All of my dreams have been violent and sad
All of my thoughts have been scattered and mad
And I dreamt of you in a pale blue dream
And I dreamt of you with pale blue hair
And I dreamt of you Laura.
I previously dreamt of dying
Or dreamt of falling to the floor
And I swore off all that stuff
I believed it had no meaning
But then I dreamt of you in a pale blue dream.
Hold onto hope
if you’ve got it
Pull it back in
if you’ve lost it.
Sifting through old photographs
but something’s different
it’s like I’ve lost something
it’s like I’m colourblind
but something was there
at least it was here
I want to cry
I want to laugh
and most of all
I don’t want to choose
one or the other
for this exact moment.